


Then What a Beautiful Way to Go

by gaystylinson



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Boys Kissing, Cheating, Depression, Established Relationship, Fisting, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Kissing, M/M, Rimming, Self-Harm, Shameless Smut, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, louis is sad, unprotected sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-14
Updated: 2014-02-14
Packaged: 2018-01-12 07:50:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1183750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaystylinson/pseuds/gaystylinson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1 year after Harry leaves him, Louis decides that it is time for him to go too.  Louis is sad.  Harry helps him.  Mostly smut. Happy ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Then What a Beautiful Way to Go

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for reading this! I just wanted to touch on something really quickly, if you are having suicidal thoughts or are practicing self harm, please please please reach out to me so you can have someone to talk to. My tumblr is gaystylinson.tumblr.com   
> Self Harm is not beautiful in any way, nor is it romantic. I'm sorry if I made it seem that way, I really tried my hardest not to.  
> I hope you enjoy the story. Please leave comments or kudos! I love them!  
> And I love you guys!!  
> Love, Bri

Louis kept his eyes on the stars as he laid back into the snow, flurries dusting his face as light as feathers. The silence was welcoming to his erratic thoughts. It was brutally cold tonight and he wished that he had had the courage to say goodbye to everyone before he decided. It was his choice though. He was going to do it tonight, but he wanted to feel the snow one last time. He wanted to breathe in the night air and memorize the stars, so he would never forget their beauty. But beauty never lasts. It is a sham; a veil the separates the lies from the truth. 

Louis had chosen this field for a reason. It was the last place that Harry had told him he loved him. That was a year ago. Louis squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t want to remember that. He didn’t want to remember him. Harry had promised to never leave, and yet here Louis is today, depressed, alone, and empty. Louis couldn’t help but recall the feeling of Harry’s smooth lips gliding against his own. How strong his body felt against his. The way his eyes poured love into Louis’ soul. It was then that Louis smiled. ‘If these are my last thoughts before I die’ Louis’ mind whispered ‘Then, what a beautiful way to go.’ He sat up then and reached for his bag. The snow was falling heavier now, catching on his eyelashes and hair. Thick snowflakes fell against his hand as he rummaged through the sack. A spark of fear, or was it hope, ignited in his chest. Had he forgotten them? But all fear subsided when his fingers touched the cool metal at the bottom of his bag. With hands shaking gently, he pulled the razor blade out where it was kissed by the feathery snow. He knew this razor blade well. It had become his closest friend during the past year, almost knowing his body better than Harry did. As Louis slid up his jumper sleeves, the horizontal scars were revealed one by one. Louis had stopped counting them 6 months ago. ‘The half way point’ he thought to himself bitterly. But tonight, Louis was going to make a new mark; one different from the rest. One that ran vertically. And he was going to paint the pretty snow with his soul that hadn’t been pretty for a long time. Each scar on his arms was a memory that Louis tried to forget. Harry’s lips. Harry’s eyes. Harry’s laugh. Harry’s kiss.   
The first sting of the blade is always the worst because it’s full of guilt for killing a memory. But the pleasure that Louis feels from the emptiness that remains is always worth it. Tonight, Louis was murdering the final memory. Harry’s love. 

It was hard. Louis couldn’t just forget it. It would take more than one cut, it would take his life. But as the razor began its slow trek down Louis’ arm, he was suddenly encompassed by warmth. The razor thrown far from him and being covered by the snow.

“Louis” Harry breathed. “What are you doing love?”

Love. The pain that racked his chest was unbearable. Yet he made no movement.

“Louis. Lou, were you,” His green eyes caught the glint of the razor in the snow. “No. No. No Lou. Why?” His eyes were wide and filled with an excruciating amount of sadness.  
“I’m taking you home, Lou.” Harry reached down and scooped Louis up like he weighed nothing, holding him to his chest like he was the most precious thing in the world. As Harry walked, Louis felt his scars scratch against his jumper, and it was like each memory was coming back to him, slowly warming him up. And, as soon as Harry looked down for a brief second and their eyes caught, Louis remembered that night. The night Harry left. 

~

1 year ago

He remembers that it was snowing like it was tonight. When Harry came home, his eyes were filled with unbearable grief.

“Let’s go for a walk Louis.” Harry said.

Louis just smiled because he would follow this boy wherever he went. When he went to grab Harry’s hand to tangle their fingers together, Harry stuffed his hands into his pockets and looked at him apologetically. Louis tried not to let the rejection show on his face, kept the smile up and beamed at Harry.

“ ‘S too cold to hold hands anyways.” Louis tried not to let the sound of his heart falling into his stomach mix with his voice.

After walking for a couple of minutes, they reached the field. Harry kept his back to Louis, chewing at his bottom lip.

“Lou, I-“ Harry looked away.

“Haz, you can tell me anything.” Louis could barely breathe. The last time Harry had been like this was when his sister died. 

“Lou, I love you so much,” Harry’s eyes were filling with tears now and when Louis reached forward to take his hand, Harry moved away from him like a scared animal. “I love you so much, but I don’t deserve you.”

Louis could barely breathe. He felt his lungs struggling to match the pounding of his heart.

“What, Harry, that doesn’t make any sense. Harry, I love-“ He was cut off by Harry.

“Lou. I-I cheated on you. After Gemma….I just wasn’t able to deal with…life. I slept with Nick.” Harry was crying now. “It was the worst mistake that I’ve ever made. I was just so angry. I needed a way to release my anger…I don’t know. Lou. I love you so much. Please don’t hate me. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

Louis couldn’t see straight anymore. He felt like the earth was spinning too fast. He felt like all the laws of gravity were lies and that he was currently floating away.

“Lou-“

“Don’t call me that” Louis snapped. 

“It was a mistake Lou.” Harry whispered.

“How many times?” Louis was walking towards Harry now. “How many times did you sleep with him?”

Harry’s bottom lip quivered. “Twice.”

Louis felt the earth collapse from beneath his feet. His vision blackened around the edges and he realized that he was clenching his fists so tightly that little crescent moons were being indented in his palms.

“Get out.” Louis whispered.

Harry looked up, his tears were leaving tracks down his cheeks. “What?”

“Get. Out.” Louis hoped his voice didn’t waver. “Get your things and leave.”

“Louis, please. Can we talk abou-“

“GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME HARRY!” Louis dropped to his knees and was sobbing uncontrollably into his hands.

Louis could hear Harry crying as he walked by. He lightly touched Louis’ back once more and whispered “I love you Lou.”

Louis’ throat was raw from screaming and crying, when he trudged home, alone. When he got to his house, Harry’s things were gone. That was the first night Louis cut himself. 

~

When they got to Louis’ house Harry laid him down on the couch, draped a blanket on top of him, and puttered off into the kitchen. He soon came back though, with a cup of tea for Louis. He couldn’t look Harry in the eye as he sipped from the mug.

“Lou-“

“Don’t call me that. You have no right to call me that.” Louis snapped.

The hurt shone in Harry’s eyes. He bit his lip, and sat at the far end of the couch.

“Louis. What were you going to do in the field?”

Louis couldn’t answer. He wanted to. He wanted to tell Harry everything; about how he missed him with every fiber of his being, about how he was going to kill himself because he thought that Harry didn’t love him, about how all he wants to do right now is crawl into his lap and kiss the tears from Harry’s eyes. 

But Louis just looks away.

“Louis….if something had happened to you…” Harry trailed off. He was almost sobbing now.

“I regret everything I did to hurt you Lou,” Louis flinched at his old nickname. It had been too long since someone had called him that. “It hurts me every day to know that I caused you pain. I’ve been working on myself Lou. I’ve been working with a photography studio, and I’ve been taking lots of pictures of flowers because I know how much you love flowers. And I’ve been studying Lou, so I can get a real job to support you one day, which is if you’ll ever have me back. I’ve been working so hard Lou. I keep telling myself that if I can fix myself, then maybe you’ll come back. But you never did.” Harry hiccups and wipes his eyes with the sleeve of his jumper and kept rambling. “So when your mom finally called me and told me that she hadn’t heard from you in months, I realized that I had to be the one to go to you.”

Louis was crying now. Full sobs racked his small frame. 

“Why the fuck did you do it Harry? Do you realize what you ruined?” Louis whispered.

“Louis. I made a mistake, a mistake that I have regretted every day. I haven’t spoken with Nick since I told you.”

“I tried to stop loving you. I tried to make it all go away. But I couldn’t Harry. I couldn’t let you go.” Louis finally looked Harry in the eyes. “I hate how much you make me love you.”  
“Louis-“ Harry said weakly. He moved forward until he was sitting right in front of the small boy.

Louis reached forward with shaking fingers and touched Harry’s face, trying to commit it to memory. His fingers ghosted over his eyelids, traced down his nose, circled where his dimple would be, and lined his lips. By the time Louis was done, Harry was breathing heavily. 

“Can I-“ Harry began, but was cut off by Louis surging forward and attaching their lips together.

The first kiss was painful, trying to purge the last year from their bodies. But soon Harry pulled back and cupped Louis’ neck to bring their lips together gently this time. Harry rained little kitten kisses on Louis’ mouth, trailing them down to his neck. Louis gasped and curled his fingers into Harry’s hair, to bring their lips back together. Louis wanted, needed more from Harry. He needed him to prove that he really loved him. He bit down on Harry’s lip, almost drawing blood. Harry quickly opened up his mouth to let Louis lick inside. Their tongues tangled and Harry’s hands slid down Louis’ back to squeeze his arse. Louis moaned into Harry’s mouth and climbed up on his lap to grind down onto him. Harry groaned in frustration as Louis slowly rolled their hips together.

“Tell me-“ Harry gasped. “Tell me what you want Lou.”

“I want-“ And Louis knew that there was only one thing in the world that he wanted at this moment. “I want you to make love to me.”

Harry let out a gasp at that and tugged Louis down to kiss him again. Then, with one hand against his head, and one under his arse, Harry lifted him and carried Louis down to his room. Louis’ legs wrapped around Harry’s waist in a death grip, and he kissed him senseless. Once they got to the bedroom, Harry laid Louis gently on the bed. Harry’s eyes were black with desire as he reached forward to pull Louis’ shirt off. He kissed the smaller boy’s collar bones and down his chest, taking time to suck at his nipples, bringing them to peaks. When he got to the waistline of his jeans, Louis was half hard and aching to get out of his tight trousers. In a blink of an eye, Louis found his relief and Harry tugged the confining trousers off. Louis, laying on the bed in only his briefs, tugged at Harry’s shirt, who happily complied to take it off along with the rest of his clothes. His cock was flushed and hard as he came towards Louis, crawling on the bed until he was in between his thighs. He nuzzled the fabric against Louis’ cock, biting and licking through it until Louis was squirming and whining on the bed for more. Harry slowly slid off the briefs and threw them to the other side of the room.

“I love you so much Lou.” And with that, Harry took him down in one go. He held Louis’ hips down to stop him from thrusting up into his mouth. Hollowing out his cheeks and humming against Louis’ cock, Harry reached toward the side table where he knew Louis kept the lube. Louis almost cried as Harry pulled off but was quickly sated when a slick finger entered his hole. Harry was licking into his mouth, and slowly slid a second finger in.

“You look so good like this Lou, stretched out around my fingers.” He whispered dirtily into Louis’ ear. “I’ve missed this so much love. Love you so much.” Harry began to scissor his fingers and added a third in. Louis cried out at the burning of the stretch. But he missed this so much. He missed Harry. 

Harry’s fingers pushed in and out of him at a relentless pace, looking for the spot inside Louis to make him scream. However, before he found it, he pulled his fingers out, pushed Louis’ knees up to his shoulders and licked a flat stripe across Louis’ hole. Louis’ immediate response was to bite onto arm to keep from crying out, but Harry reached up and pulled it away.

“Want to hear you Lou.” He speared Louis’ hole with his tongue and forced two fingers in, immediately hitting his prostate and having Louis scream out as his vision darkened for a second and he thought he saw stars. 

Louis couldn’t take anymore. He needed Harry inside of him. Now.

“Harry please. I need you. I love you. I need you.” Harry froze when he heard that. Stopping what he was doing and reaching towards the drawer for a condom.

“Shit, Lou. I don’t have a condom.” Harry let out a frustrated scream.

“It’s okay. Still want you. I haven’t been with anyone else.”

Harry looked up at Lou through his lashes. “Me either. I’ve been waiting for you Lou. Love you so much” Harry slicked up his cock and rubbed it against Louis’ hole where it caught on the rim and had Louis gasping for breath.

“Gonna make this so good for you.” Harry slid in slowly, allowing Louis to adjust to the stretch. When Harry was entirely sheathed in Louis’ heat, he slowly licked into his mouth.  
“Is this okay love?” he whispered. Louis nodded, eyes squeezed tightly shut, trying to get used to the burn.

“Move, Harry.”

And with that, Harry slid slowly out of Louis almost completely. Louis moved his hips up to try to get him back in. Harry just held his hips down and slid slowly back into Louis, stretching him out and going as deep as possible. They continued that pace until actual tears were falling from Louis’ eyes.

“Faster, Harry. Please.” Louis grunted.

Harry took one look at how wrecked his boy looked and immediately complied. His hips snapped vigorously at Louis’ bum, his balls continuously making obscene smacking noises. When Harry felt the familiar heat pool at the pit of his stomach, he reached out to take Louis in his fist, violently pumping him until Louis screamed out his name and white stripes covered both of their chests. Harry reached for Louis’ legs to wrap around his waist, and pounded into him relentlessly as he chased after his own orgasm. When the heat burst, Harry came, calling out Louis’ name, filling him up with his cum. 

They stayed attached like that for a while until Harry became soft, and gently pulled out. Louis winced at his sore bum when he rolled over to see that Harry had left the bed to go to the bathroom. He came back with a wet flannel to clean them both off. He hurriedly climbed back into the bed and gathered Louis in his arms.

“I love you so much Lou.” He whispered.

And for the first time in a while, Louis felt good.

“I love you too Haz.” Harry’s breath caught at the familiar nickname and he reached down to grab Louis’ arm. He ran his fingers over the scars, kissing each one of them, then kissing both of Louis’ eyes, his cheekbones, his chin, and his mouth. 

“Don’t ever hurt yourself like this again Lou.”

“I know, they’re ugly.” Louis breathed out. Harry probably thinks he’s a freak now.

“I don’t care about what they look like Lou. Your soul is beautiful, it doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside. I wish you didn't have them, but I wouldn't change you for the world. I love you so much Lou.” Louis blushed at how cheesy Harry was being.

“Promise me Lou, that you’ll talk to me if you ever feel like hurting yourself again. I don’t want to think about what would happen if-“ Small tears began falling from his eyes. Louis craned his neck up to kiss them away.

“I promise, love.” Louis breathed. And he realized that in that very moment, if he died right there in Harry’s arms, then what a beautiful way to go.

But Louis would live. He would live for Harry. He would live for himself. And with that, Louis burrowed tighter into Harry’s chest, who in turn twined their legs together, and he fell asleep listening to the sound of Harry’s heartbeat, which was the most beautiful sound of life he had ever heard.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
